Each week, a rolled up, rubber-banded newspaper is tossed into our driveway or yard. This is the Smalltown Press, and it has news stories from our town and other nearby small towns. In addition to the stories, the paper includes the Police Log. Generally, the Smalltown police seem to deal a lot with complaints of barking dogs or loud music, and occasionally they help out on EMS calls or with calls from other police departments. However, I found the Police Log from the week of June 8 especially amusing. Below are some excerpts.
Monday, June 8, 8:15pm — 7000 block of West Augusta, report of suspicious subjects. Officer located subjects on Nebo; they were just looking at house that was for sale. (I’ll keep that in mind next time we’re looking at real estate.)
Tuesday, June 9, 9:10am — Report of subject causing trouble in the field behind Iron Gate addition. Subject had just pulled his truck back there and complainant [sic] did not recognize him. Subject said he has farmed that field for two years. (I have to wonder, what kind of “trouble” was this farmer causing that made the complaintant call the police? Crazy farmer hooligans.)
Tuesday, June 9, 8:45pm — Area of the 16th hold at the Players Club, report of two kids on bicycles taking beer out of a cooler for the tournament tomorrow. Someone advised to take the beer off the course until tomorrow. (Seems to me that if you leave beer out in a public area, you’re just asking to have it swiped. Besides that, it probably wouldn’t have been cold for the tournament. That would have been a real crime.)
Thursday, June 11, 9:15pm — 1600 block of Lindell, report of theft. Resident stated that someone had broken into backyard and chopped down all her herbs. Officers asked if resident had gotten a letter from town about yard being overgrown; she had, so officer informed her town probably cut the yard. (My question is, which party can’t tell the difference between weeds and herbs? And if they really were herbs and you got a notice that your yard was overgrown, why wouldn’t you call the town and say, “Hey, this is my garden!”?)
Thursday, June 11, 10:50pm — 6200 block of West Gray, report of breaking and entering in progress. It was a relative checking on the house for owners. (I don’t think it’s breaking and entering if you have a key. Just a hunch.)
Friday, June 12, 9:05pm — 2800 block of South Andrews, report of suspicious subjects parking cars and walking around. Turned out to be someone’s friends going to his house. (Everyone just better watch out when they come visit friends in Yorktown. Don’t look suspicious!)
Saturday, June 13, 9am — 8100 block of West Colony, dog case. Street department picked up heaveyset blond chihuahua. (Heavyset? Really? Do we have to be careful about hurting the dog’s feelings? We can’t just call it a fat dog?)
Sunday, June 14, 1:41am — Jackson and Delaware County Road 500-W, report of man face down in the ditch, said he was “Playing Wolf,” called his uncle who arrived and took him home. (If he really was playing Wolf, I bet his friends are really mad that they kept looking for him after he’d gone home.)
Sunday, June 14, 4:30pm — 8000 block of Galway, civil dispute with movers; movers loaded the truck and homeowner got mad and wanted the truck unloaded. (There’s some serious miscommunication going on here. Is the homeowner moving in or out? Do the movers know which way they are going? Why call the movers if you don’t want them to move your stuff?)
Chef and I had a good laugh over this police log. In fact, we were looking forward to the paper the next week, just for that reason. Unfortunately, it wasn’t nearly as amusing the next time. Or maybe that’s actually fortunate.